About Janis

If you have a bossy child, you may wonder if it is a normal stage of growing up. Every kid is bossy at some time, right? And we often think that little kids are just plain cute when they are bossy.

For three and four-year-olds, bossiness is not unusual; it’s not necessarily a sign that your child is on his way to becoming a bully. Children that young are always pushing the limits and are very egocentric.

Whether your child is going through a phase or seems to be developing a bossy attitude as he grows up, parenting experts suggest that the first step for you to take in helping your bossy child learn to get along with others is understanding why he is behaving this way.

Is he mimicking what he sees around him? Children imitate what they see adults doing. If your child is the recipient of bossiness from mom, dad or other caregivers, it’s no surprise that he is bossy too. Children reflect our bad habits. Are you in the habit of ordering your children around? If so, change the way you talk to them.

Is he insecure? Todd Sarner, licensed psychotherapist and Director of Transformative Parenting, believes that most bossiness in children comes from insecurity. “When you understand that bossiness comes from insecurity and not from confidence or rudeness or a strong-will, you can begin to see the solution lies in addressing this underlying insecurity, says Sarner. “The more important goal here is to see the bossiness as a symptom of insecurity and to first address this underlying problem.”

I’m no licensed psychotherapist, but I am a licensed mom, and I do not totally agree with Sarner. I think that insecurity could be one of the reasons for bossiness in kids, not the only reason. Nevertheless, it is worth asking yourself, Is my child’s bossiness a cover-up for insecurities or low self-esteem?

Is he being picked on? If your child is constantly being pushed around by others, she may just be trying to push back.

Is she being drowned out? Perhaps your child’s ideas, feelings, and needs are often ignored, and being bossy is her way of getting attention.

Is he being encouraged in his bossiness? It may be that someone is reinforcing the bossiness by telling your child he is such a confident child, or a good little leader.  This is a tricky situation because you, as a parent don’t want to stifle natural-born leadership. However, good leaders are not bossy, so whether or not your child is a natural-born leader is not the issue; the issue is how he treats others, and bossiness is not a good relational habit to form early in life.

Is he pleading for power? Maybe his bossiness stems from feeling powerless as the youngest, as the low one on the totem pole.

Does she feel the need to take charge? Sometimes kids take leadership because no one else will step up to give direction.

Does he just need to grow up? Many young kids don’t know how to get their opinions across in a friendly manner.  As little ones, they are still very me-centered. This self-absorption can only change as you teach, guide and model for them. However, be forewarned, self-absorption comes raging back at puberty!

Next month, in my LTPP post, I will address how you can help your bossy child become less bossy. Until then, if you are parenting a bossy child, take some time to ask yourself why.

Janis Meredith, sports mom and coach’s wife, writes a sports parenting blog called JBM Thinks. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

photo credit: mliu92 via photopin cc

One of the things I dislike most about parenting is watching my kids fight.  And because I dislike it so much, I tend to jump in before it’s gone on too long and try to stop it, just so I don’t have to hear it.

My husband always tells me to “let the kids work it out,” and I think a lot of the time he’s right, but there are times when parents should step in and referee in their kids’s fights.

When are those times?

When the fight turns physical

Kids like to wrestle and get physical and when that is all done in fun and without any malicious intent, it’s okay. But when conflicts turn physical, then it’s time to step in and separate.

When the words turn hateful

Whoever said “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” had it all wrong. Words do hurt and kids can say some pretty harsh things to each other.  You wouldn’t stand by and watch them throw rocks at each other, would you? When they start flinging degrading and hateful words at each other, the ref needs to stop the fight.

When a stand-off negatively affects the rest of the family

When a sibling fight brings down the whole family–when it ruins a vacation or a family outing or when family members carry the burden of the conflict outside the home and it affects how they treat others–it’s time for a parent to step in and practice some conflict resolution. That tactic may be as simple as separating or it may require you to ask questions and coach them to a peace-fire.

Recently my husband had to step into a sibling conflict in our family. Even though our kids are older, they still fight! We rarely step in anymore, because for the most part they resolve things themselves. But in this instance, he felt it was time for him to confront one of our kids about the situation because if it had been left to fester, it could have really hurt our family.

When it is clear that they need help with resolution

Sometimes there will be sibling clashes that go on and on and on, for hours, or days even. When it becomes pretty obvious–and when you’ve reached the point when it just gets plain ridiculous and you can’t take it anymore–that they need help figuring out how to resolve the conflict, then it’s your job to help them figure it out. I’m not saying that you should tell them exactly what to do, rather I’m suggesting that you sit them down, listen to their problem, ask questions, and work towards helping them figure out their own answer to the problem.

You see, the thing about kids and fighting is this: yes, they need to learn how to resolve conflicts, but they are still kids who do not yet know all the skills of conflict management. There are times when they simply can’t maneuver through the disagreement on their own and come to a healthy resolution.

So your job is to give them the space to learn to fight and give them the tools to resolve conflicts.

Janis Meredith, sports mom and coach’s wife, writes a sports parenting blog called JBM Thinks. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

Responsible kids–is that an oxymoron? Should we really expect kids to be responsible? Can we trust them to be responsible?

We throw that word around a lot.

Why can’t you be more responsible?

When will you learn some responsibility?

Perhaps a closer look at the meaning of the word responsible would help us get some perspective.

…answerable or accountable, as for something within one’s power, control, or management.

In other words, we can only expect our kids to be responsible if the thing they are being responsible for is truly within their power, control, or management. That leads us to the first step in teaching kids responsibility:

Step 1: Assign your child tasks you know he can fulfill. Now that may seem like a no-brainer to you, but if you really think about what you are asking of your child, you may have to admit that often you demand something that is too difficult for him. It’s okay to stretch him, to challenge him to do things that may seem too hard for him. But when teaching him responsibility, you must give him things that he can control. And then, when he does fulfill his responsibilities….

Step 2 : Celebrate the successes. Whether you reward him, pay him, praise him or just give him a pat on the back, make sure he feels good about being responsible. Don’t just brush it off as him doing his job and well, we all have a job to do and it shouldn’t be such a big deal when he does it. He’s a kid, for goodness sake, a kid that needs to learn about being responsible, a kid that needs to be taught good habits, and that is only going to happen through positive reinforcement.

Step 3: Let there be logical consequences for blowing it. Not punishment, consequences. Your child’s irresponsibility is a result of him being forgetful and distracted–you know, kid-like. It is not because he is intentionally defying you. When he purposely disobeys you, that is a whole different matter. But if he is just being irresponsible, then let the consequences of his irresponsibility play out. He can’t play video games until the room is clean, he can’t watch TV until the garbage is taken out or the homework is done. When logical outcomes become the “punishment”, the message gets heard loud and clear.

Step 4: Rinse and repeat. Teaching your kid responsibility is not rocket-science. In fact, the logic of it is quite simple. But it is demanding and exhausting. Assign manageable tasks to your child, praise him for fulfilling his responsibility, let logical consequences play out. Do this again and again and again and again.

And again and again. Until one day, you will look at him and be grateful for the responsible young adult he has become because you were responsible in your parenting job.

Janis Meredith, sports mom and coach’s wife, writes a sports parenting blog called JBM Thinks. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

photo credit: a n i. Y. via photopin cc

There’s so much celebration and anticipation leading up to Christmas and New Year’s that it’s no wonder kids, and parents, often feel a letdown after the holidays. With our help, though, kids can learn that there’s much to anticipate and celebrate even after the holidays are over.

Here’s the plan that can make that happen in your house.

Talk about it

Kids need to talk about their let-down feelings, their disappointment that “all the fun is over.” Instead of seeing their post-Christmas grumpiness or sour mood as ingratitude for all the presents, see it as an opportunity to listen to their woes and help them deal with it. Let them know that you feel that way too and maybe if you work together, you can find ways to beat the post-Christmas blues.

Get active with your kids

Plan some extra exercise with your kiddos. Getting them out of the house and doing something fun clears the mind and helps get rid of the blahs. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a big deal. Even just an extra long bike ride or a trip to the nearby mountain to go sledding.

Celebrate other seasons

Although Christmas is definitely the biggie, put up a calendar where your kids can see the other celebrations that are coming: birthdays, Valentines Day, July 4th, or whatever else you’d like to celebrate. And then, when they come, be sure they are properly commemorated in your home.

Keep on giving

Helping others is a great way to get the focus off yourselves. Think of what your children are interested in and look for opportunities to help others after the holidays. Do your kids like animals? Try volunteering with them at an animal shelter. Do they like helping in the yard? Maybe there’s an elderly neighbor who needs your help.

It’s rather sad, don’t you think, that people are so giving at Christmas time, yet as soon as the holidays are over they return to their own worlds until next Christmas rolls around? The homeless and hungry are with us year-round, nursing homes and hospitals need volunteers 365. Plan a giving event with your kids before they have time to start feeling sorry for themselves that “all the fun is over.”

Schedule fun events

On that same calendar that lists upcoming holidays for your family to celebrate, add upcoming events that excite your kids. Plan a trip to Disneyworld, a camping trip, a night out at a local professional football or basketball game, or a visit to Gramma. Let them know that, yes, Christmas is over, but there’s still lots of fun things to anticipate and that trip to Gramma’s is just around the corner!

Change it up

No better time to start something new than after the holidays. Take on a project with your child: redecorate her room, enroll her in a new sport or class that interests her. Better yet, how about taking a class with your child?

This one’s for you, Mom and Dad

Set aside some Me time. Get alone, sit quietly and reflect about the past year and the upcoming year. What were the highs and lows of the past year? What did you accomplish that you wanted to? How can you correct things you are not happy with? What do you want to accomplish in the upcoming year?

You can call it New Year’s resolutions or setting goals, or whatever you want. The point is, it’s important to just stop and think.

Don’t let the post-holiday blues hit your house. There’s so much to celebrate about life when we stop looking at the empty boxes and garbage bags of wrapping paper and start looking at all the good surrounding us.

Janis Meredith, sports mom and coach’s wife, writes a sports parenting blog called JBM Thinks. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

photo credit: kelp1966 via photopin cc

Every day you look in mirrors–the bathroom, the bedroom, the rear-view–and don’t forget those big and little mirrors running around your house.

Your kids reflect you, whether you like it or not. Scary thought, isn’t it?

As you look at them, remember these thoughts about how they are reflecting you.

Your kids will copy you; they will mimic your behavior and words. I think this is the scariest truth of all because so often I am not what I want my kids to be. That’s why I must daily remind myself of how important my example is.

You don’t need to be perfect, just real. When you blow it, say you are sorry. It’s okay for them to know that you have faults. How else will they learn how to admit mistakes and ask forgiveness in their own lives?

Reflections can change. If you don’t like what you see in your kids, take an honest look at yourself. What they reflect can change as you do.

Reflections can get fogged up. Maybe your child is behaving in a way that mystifies you; you have no idea what brought it on and are certain they are not reflecting behavior they see at home. The fact remains though, they got the idea from someone. This is when it’s your job to find out who and where that someone is so you can properly address the issue.

Never give up on what you see in your reflection. Every morning as you get ready for the day, remember that it takes work to prepare yourself–brushing your teeth, washing your face, taking a shower.  But you continue to do it every day because you want to look in the mirror and see a presentable person looking back. As you look at your kids each day, remember that you can never give up trying to be someone who is worth reflecting.

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It’s that time of year again. Of scary costumes and haunted houses and front yard ghosts hanging from trees.

It’s enough to scare anyone really. Especially little kids.

What’s a parent to do? How can you help your child deal with his fears?

It starts with a conversation.

• Ask him what specifically he is afraid of. Help him pinpoint exactly what is scaring him. Is it the trick or treater in the ghost costume? The scarecrow standing in the neighbor’s front yard? The weird displays in Walmart? All of the above?

• Make sure he knows the difference between make-believe and reality. This is often very hard for small kids, but when we take time to explain that it’s Billy underneath the ghost costume and that the scarecrow is really like a big doll stuffed with hay, and that the weird displays in Walmart are just funny looking decorations, then he can start to grasp that make-believe is just a game, not something to be feared.

• Don’t force the make-believe scariness on your child if it still terrifies him. He will eventually conclude on his own that make-believe is make-believe and that it’s really not so scary after all; no need for him so he will get over it right then and there.

• When all else fails, find an alternative. If you think trick or treating or a costume party may be too much for your small child to handle, find a pumpkin patch to visit instead or a fall carnival.

When my kids were small they were afraid of many things–the mascot at the football game, thunder, even Disney characters at Disneyworld!–but with love and patient explanations, we waded through each phase to help them understand what is real, what isn’t and that we are there to love and protect them every step of the way.

Janis Meredith, sports mom and coach’s wife, writes a sports parenting blog called JBM Thinks. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

If you try to not get angry at your kids, you will fight a losing battle. No matter how much you strive to be flexible, or how often you manage to overlook the small things and see the bigger picture of life, you are still going to get angry.

The question is, then: what will you do with your anger?

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a talk on how we tend to medicate our anger and I would like to share with you some of the wisdom from that talk.

By medicate, I mean that when we get angry, we tend to do things to help us feel better but don’t really solve the problem; in fact, our actions may enflame the issue.

These three ways of medicating our anger are unhealthy and can be very harmful to ourselves and to the people we love.

We medicate our anger with unhealthy talk

Lashing out at our kids or our husband always seems to make us feel better–for the moment. But that medication wears off very quickly. In the end, we feel like crap for saying what we did and we’ve played a tape in our kids’ and husband’s heads that cannot be re-wound. Words can be forgiven, but never erased.

We medicate our anger with unhealthy actions

There’s a release in doing certain actions when we are angry. Whether it’s physically hurting someone or drinking too much or damaging property–for the moment we feel better. But again, that medication wears off quickly and we are left with scars, on ourselves and on those we love.

We medicate our anger with unhealthy burdens

Those burdens come in the form of blaming ourselves or worrying ourselves sick. We carry unhealthy burdens because we don’t know what else to do with the anger and frustration. Carrying burdens makes us feel like we are doing something, like we have some sort of control over a situation that has made us very angry.

How do you tend to medicate your anger? Next time you get angry, stop, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “am I reacting in a way that makes me feel good but hurts others?”

Because in the end, anger is not the problem, it’s how we medicate our anger that leads to harm.

Janis Meredith, sports mom and coach’s wife, writes a sports parenting blog called JBM Thinks. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

Rewards are an effective way to encourage good behavior in our kids. And I’m all for that.

But good things can become harmful when they are abused. Food is good in moderation, but overeating is bad for your health. Alcohol is not bad in moderation, but can be deadly if abused.

The same is true with rewards. In and of themselves, they are good. But I believe there is such a thing in parenting as reward abuse. And it is when rewards are abused that they become ineffective and even counterproductive to what we are trying to accomplish in our parenting.

Reward Abuse happens when parents:

• Reward a child for every single good thing he does
• Use it as a bribe to get things done that kids should do anyway (like clean their room or help with the dishes)
• Reward a child with things to make up for a lack of love and attention
• Reward for only good performances in sports or music or whatever your child does
• Reward with things that can send a wrong message. Rewarding with unhealthy food may instill in a child the idea that sweets or junk food should always be a reward, or rewarding with money may build expectations in a child that they will always get money when they do something.

How to stop Reward Abuse

When used properly, rewards are wonderful. We all like getting a reward, don’t we?

The question is, what’s the best way to use rewards with your kids? You may want to come up with your own guidelines, but here are some suggestions.

• Decide what chores should be done without rewards and what extra work deserves a reward. This is an individual family choice, and no one way is the right way. But once you make that determination, stick to it.
• Be creative in your rewarding. Look for ways to reward your child that will truly surprise them. Maybe it’s a surprise water balloon fight, or a spontaneous campout in the back yard. Rewards don’t always have to be a thing you give your child; they can come in the form of something you and your child do.
• Give rewards for good effort and hard work, not just home runs and high scoring games.
• Don’t ever, ever use your love as a reward. Be sure your child knows that your love is unconditional and constant, and has nothing to do with his behavior.
• When your child does something wonderful, express your pride in them and their hard work, not just in the thing they accomplished. Reward the intangibles–a good attitude, a team player attitude, an unselfish gesture.
• Sometimes, reward your child even when he did nothing to earn it. There are occasions when it is fun to give your child a reward for no reason, just cuz.
• Your child should never have to earn the reward of positive, life-giving words. That kind of affirmation should be a natural outflow of your love for them. Don’t shut off that flow just because you feel they didn’t deserve a reward.
• As soon as you see an attitude of entitlement in your child, it’s time to re-evaluate your reward system. When kids start demanding their rewards and expect them a bit too vigorously, change up the methods to keep them guessing.

Rewards are a tricky thing

Using rewards to encourage good behavior may take some trial and error in your house.   It’s a tricky thing. We want to reinforce the good stuff in our kids and discourage the bad, without reinforcing that all of life should be lived to get a reward.

The reason for rewards is to encourage good habits and behavior that will become a lifestyle as your kids get older.

Which means that you as a parent must be intentional about formulating a reward philosophy that will truly help your child learn, grow, and be challenged.

Janis Meredith, sports mom and coach’s wife, writes a sports parenting blog called JBM Thinks. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.